what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
