I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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