32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
