I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
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THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize