Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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