I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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