My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
