party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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