Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize