If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
