Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
foreskin is a definite game changer
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
