Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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