i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
