i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
