I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
