How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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