I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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