On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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