Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
