So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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