I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
