Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
