I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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