Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
