Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
