I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
