what day is it and did you see me today?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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