After last night, I could never be a politician.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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