Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
