Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
