you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
