My sheets look like a crime scene.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
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almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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