Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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