We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
