my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
