I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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