so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
