I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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