when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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