I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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