R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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