awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
