You smell like a Billy Joel song
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
