Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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