is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
3 2 1 whiskey
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize