Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
