There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
