maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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