I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
