Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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