Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
