Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
