i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
