Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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