I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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