Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
