Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
