I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
