you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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