I wish my penis had an off switch
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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