Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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