Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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