Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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