I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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