Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
